35 Word Pitches
Below you may post your 35 word pitches for critique.
Rules: There's only two rules.
1.) If you post your pitch for critique you MUST critique at least two others.
2.) Be honest, but don't be cruel. (I shouldn't have to explain what this means.)
Note: The Pitch Slam Team will NOT be critiquing these here. We will only critique/send feedback during the official rounds. If you want our feedback, please check the #PitchSlam tab for how to enter and all of the rules involved.
If you have questions, please don't post them on this post. This post is ONLY for pitches and critiques. (I'm wanting to keep this clean and easy for everybody to post and reply.) Either ask on the Pitch Slam post, the #pitchslam twitter tag, or the FB group. (Or tweet us. We don't bite!)
Comments will remain open until the team posts are live. Then comments will be on moderation so ONLY the Professors/Agents to make requests/play.
Good luck!!
I hope this is the place for this.
ReplyDeleteNakelle Minnow isn't adjusting to her new surroundings very well. In her new house in Brierley Hill, England, she fears ghosts of the past are haunting her. The more she investigates, the more she realizes they aren't ghosts, but actual human beings trapped in a magical world known as Auranoma. A place where Enchantresses used to live and thrive, but now remain imprisoned.
Hello there! Just so you know, the PitchSlam pitches are only 35 words or less, and yours is 63 words, so it's almost twice as long as it's supposed to be. A template for your pitch is something like this:
Delete[Main Character] wants [GOAL] more than anything, but [OBSTACLE] stands in her way. If MC can't [ACTION], then [DOOM] will happen.
This particular template is from Kimberly Vanderhorst's blog. She has several awesome posts with pitching tips.
I do see some neat stuff here, especially how these humans are able to haunt a house like ghosts. Good luck on your pitch!
The concept is super cool! The only thing I'd say (besides tightening it up to the 35 word limit) is that I'm a little unclear as to what the MC does...so she fears ghosts, but she realizes they are human beings - does she try to free them? What are the stakes for her?
DeleteThanks, Jamie! Here's mine:
ReplyDeleteSixteen-year-old Kate wants to protect humanity's magic--creativity--but if she can't find and destroy an ancient sword before it frees its creator from his prison in the center of the earth, creativity will fall.
Just going out on a limb here. I hate critiquing pitches, so bear with me.
DeleteI'm curious how this world works. Creativity is magic? Interesting. I'm a little puzzled how a sword, the person who made it, and the interesting prison for said person all connect to creativity/magic.
How to improve this? Well that's where I'm not great at this. I'm intrigued enough to learn more by what you wrote - I'm sure you elaborate in the story.
What happens if creativity falls? (I have a general idea, but I'm curious what the rules of your universe provide)
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DeleteI agree with Geoffrey! What happens if creativity falls? As it stands it's a little vague, but I bet you could punch it up if you give a circumstance of losing creativity! Good luck & your story sounds amazing.
DeleteThanks so much for your comments! I'll definitely be reworking my pitch.
DeleteMichelle, I think you need to break it up into two sentences and not one. It shouldn't be a run-on sentence. Try not to use em dashes and break them into two sentences.
DeleteThank you Jamie. This is my first attempt at a new look at the same story.
ReplyDeleteLux wants revenge for her fallen partner, Michael. Her boss has finally given permission for her to go after his killer, a psycho only known as Father. What role does Father’s son play in this?
Hi!
DeleteThe first sentence is great. Clean, and to the point we know what she wants. After that we sort of lose it. What's standing in her way of getting her revenge? What will happen if she doesn't get it?
I really like the first two sentences, but the third sentence loses me. What are the stakes for Lux? Also, generally, it's best to avoid rhetorical questions (or questions at all) in pitches - is it a romance? does Lux fall for the Father's son? That third sentence is just a little vague.
DeleteHi Geoffrey. I think you did a good job on this and the premise is clear, but I would avoid using a rhetorical question at the end (I've been told this before anyway!) Maybe you could propose a choice that Lux must make instead. And then tell us what's at stake. Something like 'When Lux goes after her partner's killer, she must choose between X or X or else . . . ." Best of luck to you!
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ReplyDeleteOh! I want to play. Here's my pitch:
ReplyDeleteWhen college freshman River Styx falls for the human next door she's determined to stay out of the Underworld. But when your father's Hades, leaving the family business could cost the new boyfriend his soul.
This is real good, Danielle. I believe you need a comma after door. Maybe father is than father's. I love the name of River Styx for this YA paranormal.
DeleteHere's my pitch; I'd love to hear feedback!!
ReplyDeleteIndia, 1939. Shanta gets her dream: a husband. But when he turns Freedom Fighter and leaves her without income or family, she must learn to survive in a world without precedence for female independence.
This sounds like a cool story, Meghana. I love historical fiction. I personally think the character's goal and the consequences are pretty well communicated. One thing I am wondering is how old Shanta is. I know that in India girls can be married young, so if this is YA, I'd mention her age.
DeleteAgain, this story sounds neat and good luck with PitchSlam!
This is fun let's give it a shot!
ReplyDeleteWhen sixteen-year-old Mason's sister contracts a fever, gaining entrance into the elite Summer Dome is her only hope. For a December Zoner that's impossible. Unless you've information to trade regarding who caused the nuclear winter.
I liked the mention of nuclear winter. I had to think for a while about what December Zoner might mean. I can make a guess, but I think it would be better to use terminology that isn't specific to your world to explain it, so people read and get the message right off the bat. So maybe you could use "caste" or whatever other term means something similar - whatever fits.
DeleteIs the goal then to figure out who caused the nuclear winter, in order to get in? Or does Mason already have that information? If Mason has to get the information, I understand how it makes the challenge more difficult. If Mason already has it, I might wonder what the big deal is, since he/she already has the "key". Does that make any sense? Good luck!
Any advice would be great to hone this in before 10/21/15.
ReplyDeleteKylie escaped from a poacher in the Everglades who left her for dead, but now he's tracked her down. He issues an ultimatum: create a synthetic anti-venom for my sister's sickness, or you'll die trying.
Hi Kristen, this premise sounds great. "My" and "you'll" tripped me up though. I think it should be "his" and "she'll" since you don't use quotes. One question - if he left her for dead, how did he know to track her down? You probably don't have room to explain it, but you might be able to reword to remove the uncertainty. Best of luck!
DeleteGreat ideas, Laura. Let me see if I can fix it and re-post it here.
DeleteI definitely agree with Laura! The "my" and "you'll" stopped me dead. And I do agree with the clarity about leaving her for dead. I also want to know why! I know it's a small space to explain all of it, but I'm so curious already! Also why does he think she's the one to create this synthetic anti-venom? Is she a scientist? I'd love to see a repost of this when you're done!
DeleteOkay. I"ll do a repost of this real soon. This is so hard and I'll keep trying.
DeleteIn the spirit of True Grit, sixteen-year-old girl realizes she must bring down a gang of outlaws, even if it means losing not only her Pa, but her own identity, in the process.
ReplyDeleteHi Joanna, is there any way you could exchange the girl's name for "girl"? I think it would make us feel closer to her. To save words, you could cut "realizes she". I'm kind of curious as to whether it would be good to be more specific about how she would lose her own identity, but I'm not sure if you really need that... Maybe see what others say? Good luck!
DeleteThanks Laura! I have gone back and forth with the name. Really no reason why it's not there other than it's just not *shrug*.
DeleteOkay everyone. Here's my repost of my pitch with the said changes.
ReplyDeleteHerpetologist Kylie creates a synthetic anti-venom prototype, but the poacher from the Everglades who left her for dead had tracked her down from her grant. If she doesn't deliver in time, then she'll die trying.
Very powerful last sentence, but I feel as if the first is too long, but MUCH more clear! Like holy crap I completely understand this now (or at least feel like I do!? To make this sound a bit better you may want to try something like:
DeleteWhen the poacher from the Everglades who left Herpetologist Kylie for dead tracks her down from her grant, she must create a synthetic anti-venom prototype. If she doesn't deliver in time, then she'll die trying.
Ooh, I really like the beginning here! I think showing she's a capable scientist will go over very well with readers/agents.
DeleteI was thinking it might be good to combine your two versions. Hope it's not overstepping my boundaries by suggesting something like this: "After creating a synthetic anti-venom prototype, herpetologist Kylie is captured by a poacher who once almost caused her death. He issues an ultimatum: create a cure for his sister's sickness in time, or die." I'm sure it needs tweaking to make it nicer/fit better, since I might have misinterpreted parts of it. If he almost killed her directly, that would make it even stronger than "caused her death". Good luck!
Hi Kristen--intriguing premise! My only suggestion would be to change this part 'had tracked her down from her grant'. It just sounds kind of awkward. Since the first part of the pitch is in present tense, could you say something like 'uses her grant to track her down'? Best of luck to you!
DeleteHi Jamie & fellow writers! Here's my pitch: When a teenage time traveler travels before the Cleansing, she ends up falling for a Regular cowboy and must choose between love or saving herself from the cataclysmic event that only she knows is coming.
ReplyDeleteHi! This is a cool premise! Here's my notes:
DeleteWhat's your MCs name? You only have 35 words to get the judges and agents to connect with your character, don't underestimate the power of using her name.
Instead of calling her "a teenage time traveler" will take care of the next problem: repetition.
When a teenage time traveler travels back...
For me that's way to many t's. Maybe say something like:
Time traveler, [INSERT NAME], goes back to before the Cleansing (also, what is this? Maybe instead of naming it give a hint of what happened?) and falls for a regular cowboy...
35 words is a hard limit to jam a whole book into but I really think you're on the right track!
Thanks for the feedback, Danielle. :-)
DeleteFor a start, I think Danielle's pretty spot on about rearranging the time-traveler bit.
DeleteWhen time traveler, NAME, falls for a regular (I PERSONALLY THINK REGULAR IS A PRETTY WEAK DESCRIPTOR AND WOULD CONSIDER CHANGING IT) cowboy, SHE must choose between love or saving herself from the cataclysmic event (WHAT EVENT? TELL US) that only she knows is coming.
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!
Thank you, Joanna!
DeleteOne more time, here's hopefully my final version of this 35-word pitch after some thinking and tweaking last night for Venom:
ReplyDeleteA poacher left Kylie Marx for dead in the Everglades years ago, now he's tracked the herpetologist down. He issues her an ultimatum--create a synthetic anti-venom prototype for my sister's sickness or you'll die trying.
This looks a lot better! Definitely get a better feel for it! I would however still change the my for his and the you'll for she'll.
DeleteThanks Kat. Easy fixes.
DeleteHope I'm not overstepping my boundaries by posting again, but how about this one?
ReplyDeleteIn her search for a tame horse, time traveler, Jaden falls for a cowboy living 300 years before her. Now she must choose between love or saving herself before the gamma ray burst hits Earth.
First, a small thing: take out the second comma so it's just "time traveler Jaden". I'm a little confused about the gamma ray burst at the end – it seems totally out of the blue compared to how you set the pitch up. Maybe you can reframe the first part "in her search for a tame horse" and put something more like "in an attempt to escape a cataclysmic event" or something like that.
DeleteHere's a revised version of mine. It's 37 words, but I can't find anywhere to cut. Help would be GREATLY appreciated. :)
ReplyDeleteSixteen-year-old Kate, wanting to protect justice, volunteers to find an ancient sword before a band of rebel magicians. But if she can’t, the rebels will use its magic to free their leader and restart a centuries-old war.
Hey Michele, I would suggest a few things. If you want to keep it as it is, you could just cut out "wanting to protect justice" – it doesn't add much to my understanding of the story. Maybe you could just reorganize the whole thing, though, starting with something like "Unless 16-yr-old Kate can find an ancient sword before a band of rebel magicians..."
DeleteIf anyone has any advice for this, it'd be much appreciated :)
ReplyDeleteAll Ellie wants is to escape the U.S.’s despotic, neo-Luddite government. But when her grandma is accused of biotech terrorism, Ellie must stop running and uncover the truth or she’ll be charged as an accomplice.