tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post8064640652381605081..comments2024-03-17T04:14:43.596-05:00Comments on This Writer's World & Plot Bunnies: #PitchSlam - 35 Word Pitch Critique'sJamie Corriganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-28148056203762830882015-10-20T15:56:10.400-05:002015-10-20T15:56:10.400-05:00If anyone has any advice for this, it'd be muc...If anyone has any advice for this, it'd be much appreciated :) <br /><br />All Ellie wants is to escape the U.S.’s despotic, neo-Luddite government. But when her grandma is accused of biotech terrorism, Ellie must stop running and uncover the truth or she’ll be charged as an accomplice. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09369254620641612728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-65224290251067584022015-10-20T15:49:57.937-05:002015-10-20T15:49:57.937-05:00Hey Michele, I would suggest a few things. If you ...Hey Michele, I would suggest a few things. If you want to keep it as it is, you could just cut out "wanting to protect justice" – it doesn't add much to my understanding of the story. Maybe you could just reorganize the whole thing, though, starting with something like "Unless 16-yr-old Kate can find an ancient sword before a band of rebel magicians..." Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09369254620641612728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-74275644975708330652015-10-20T15:47:20.633-05:002015-10-20T15:47:20.633-05:00First, a small thing: take out the second comma so...First, a small thing: take out the second comma so it's just "time traveler Jaden". I'm a little confused about the gamma ray burst at the end – it seems totally out of the blue compared to how you set the pitch up. Maybe you can reframe the first part "in her search for a tame horse" and put something more like "in an attempt to escape a cataclysmic event" or something like that. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09369254620641612728noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-28293950177572196542015-10-20T15:18:15.209-05:002015-10-20T15:18:15.209-05:00Here's a revised version of mine. It's 37 ...Here's a revised version of mine. It's 37 words, but I can't find anywhere to cut. Help would be GREATLY appreciated. :)<br /><br />Sixteen-year-old Kate, wanting to protect justice, volunteers to find an ancient sword before a band of rebel magicians. But if she can’t, the rebels will use its magic to free their leader and restart a centuries-old war.Michele Marshallhttp://michelemarshallwrites.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-91357394409328545452015-10-20T12:25:47.689-05:002015-10-20T12:25:47.689-05:00Hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries by pos...Hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries by posting again, but how about this one?<br /><br />In her search for a tame horse, time traveler, Jaden falls for a cowboy living 300 years before her. Now she must choose between love or saving herself before the gamma ray burst hits Earth.cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-13198065936894134772015-10-20T11:00:24.667-05:002015-10-20T11:00:24.667-05:00Thank you, Joanna!Thank you, Joanna!cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-1043853781891745722015-10-20T08:05:47.056-05:002015-10-20T08:05:47.056-05:00Thanks Kat. Easy fixes. Thanks Kat. Easy fixes. Kristen Howehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00972196730044496053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-37203172089018947342015-10-20T08:01:47.379-05:002015-10-20T08:01:47.379-05:00This looks a lot better! Definitely get a better f...This looks a lot better! Definitely get a better feel for it! I would however still change the my for his and the you'll for she'll.Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06709678911670489177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-38656058068909053402015-10-20T07:57:08.325-05:002015-10-20T07:57:08.325-05:00One more time, here's hopefully my final versi...One more time, here's hopefully my final version of this 35-word pitch after some thinking and tweaking last night for Venom: <br /><br />A poacher left Kylie Marx for dead in the Everglades years ago, now he's tracked the herpetologist down. He issues her an ultimatum--create a synthetic anti-venom prototype for my sister's sickness or you'll die trying. Kristen Howehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00972196730044496053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-60025661412655657752015-10-20T07:33:33.448-05:002015-10-20T07:33:33.448-05:00For a start, I think Danielle's pretty spot on...For a start, I think Danielle's pretty spot on about rearranging the time-traveler bit.<br /><br />When time traveler, NAME, falls for a regular (I PERSONALLY THINK REGULAR IS A PRETTY WEAK DESCRIPTOR AND WOULD CONSIDER CHANGING IT) cowboy, SHE must choose between love or saving herself from the cataclysmic event (WHAT EVENT? TELL US) that only she knows is coming.<br /><br />YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!Joanna Farrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04468304842134528409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-65285917848092831672015-10-19T19:35:20.375-05:002015-10-19T19:35:20.375-05:00Thanks for the feedback, Danielle. :-)Thanks for the feedback, Danielle. :-)cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-18887830177847323692015-10-19T19:23:04.759-05:002015-10-19T19:23:04.759-05:00Hi Geoffrey. I think you did a good job on this a...Hi Geoffrey. I think you did a good job on this and the premise is clear, but I would avoid using a rhetorical question at the end (I've been told this before anyway!) Maybe you could propose a choice that Lux must make instead. And then tell us what's at stake. Something like 'When Lux goes after her partner's killer, she must choose between X or X or else . . . ." Best of luck to you!cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-53185190495134932482015-10-19T19:02:28.469-05:002015-10-19T19:02:28.469-05:00Hi! This is a cool premise! Here's my notes:
...Hi! This is a cool premise! Here's my notes:<br /><br />What's your MCs name? You only have 35 words to get the judges and agents to connect with your character, don't underestimate the power of using her name.<br /><br />Instead of calling her "a teenage time traveler" will take care of the next problem: repetition. <br /><br />When a teenage time traveler travels back...<br /><br />For me that's way to many t's. Maybe say something like: <br /><br />Time traveler, [INSERT NAME], goes back to before the Cleansing (also, what is this? Maybe instead of naming it give a hint of what happened?) and falls for a regular cowboy...<br /><br />35 words is a hard limit to jam a whole book into but I really think you're on the right track! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13522832548732956120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-78148894824549813242015-10-19T18:59:09.563-05:002015-10-19T18:59:09.563-05:00Hi Kristen--intriguing premise! My only suggestio...Hi Kristen--intriguing premise! My only suggestion would be to change this part 'had tracked her down from her grant'. It just sounds kind of awkward. Since the first part of the pitch is in present tense, could you say something like 'uses her grant to track her down'? Best of luck to you!cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-43342718208526935512015-10-19T17:36:16.830-05:002015-10-19T17:36:16.830-05:00Hi Jamie & fellow writers! Here's my pitc...Hi Jamie & fellow writers! Here's my pitch: When a teenage time traveler travels before the Cleansing, she ends up falling for a Regular cowboy and must choose between love or saving herself from the cataclysmic event that only she knows is coming.<br /><br />cbazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11993025495179743601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-90786456062439439062015-10-19T15:25:26.985-05:002015-10-19T15:25:26.985-05:00Thanks Laura! I have gone back and forth with the ...Thanks Laura! I have gone back and forth with the name. Really no reason why it's not there other than it's just not *shrug*.Joanna Farrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04468304842134528409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-23074332470424850392015-10-19T15:15:56.985-05:002015-10-19T15:15:56.985-05:00Ooh, I really like the beginning here! I think sho...Ooh, I really like the beginning here! I think showing she's a capable scientist will go over very well with readers/agents. <br /><br />I was thinking it might be good to combine your two versions. Hope it's not overstepping my boundaries by suggesting something like this: "After creating a synthetic anti-venom prototype, herpetologist Kylie is captured by a poacher who once almost caused her death. He issues an ultimatum: create a cure for his sister's sickness in time, or die." I'm sure it needs tweaking to make it nicer/fit better, since I might have misinterpreted parts of it. If he almost killed her directly, that would make it even stronger than "caused her death". Good luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-83363792163199668712015-10-19T15:07:15.848-05:002015-10-19T15:07:15.848-05:00Very powerful last sentence, but I feel as if the ...Very powerful last sentence, but I feel as if the first is too long, but MUCH more clear! Like holy crap I completely understand this now (or at least feel like I do!? To make this sound a bit better you may want to try something like:<br /><br />When the poacher from the Everglades who left Herpetologist Kylie for dead tracks her down from her grant, she must create a synthetic anti-venom prototype. If she doesn't deliver in time, then she'll die trying. Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06709678911670489177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-91923678673223951722015-10-19T15:00:19.532-05:002015-10-19T15:00:19.532-05:00I liked the mention of nuclear winter. I had to th...I liked the mention of nuclear winter. I had to think for a while about what December Zoner might mean. I can make a guess, but I think it would be better to use terminology that isn't specific to your world to explain it, so people read and get the message right off the bat. So maybe you could use "caste" or whatever other term means something similar - whatever fits.<br /><br />Is the goal then to figure out who caused the nuclear winter, in order to get in? Or does Mason already have that information? If Mason has to get the information, I understand how it makes the challenge more difficult. If Mason already has it, I might wonder what the big deal is, since he/she already has the "key". Does that make any sense? Good luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-57162980859222173542015-10-19T15:00:07.554-05:002015-10-19T15:00:07.554-05:00Okay everyone. Here's my repost of my pitch wi...Okay everyone. Here's my repost of my pitch with the said changes. <br /><br />Herpetologist Kylie creates a synthetic anti-venom prototype, but the poacher from the Everglades who left her for dead had tracked her down from her grant. If she doesn't deliver in time, then she'll die trying. <br />Kristen Howehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00972196730044496053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-32331290716213198952015-10-19T14:51:12.999-05:002015-10-19T14:51:12.999-05:00Hi Joanna, is there any way you could exchange the...Hi Joanna, is there any way you could exchange the girl's name for "girl"? I think it would make us feel closer to her. To save words, you could cut "realizes she". I'm kind of curious as to whether it would be good to be more specific about how she would lose her own identity, but I'm not sure if you really need that... Maybe see what others say? Good luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-72450744927364701972015-10-19T14:05:32.737-05:002015-10-19T14:05:32.737-05:00Okay. I"ll do a repost of this real soon. Thi...Okay. I"ll do a repost of this real soon. This is so hard and I'll keep trying. Kristen Howehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00972196730044496053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-47423834650218541822015-10-19T14:02:06.711-05:002015-10-19T14:02:06.711-05:00I definitely agree with Laura! The "my" ...I definitely agree with Laura! The "my" and "you'll" stopped me dead. And I do agree with the clarity about leaving her for dead. I also want to know why! I know it's a small space to explain all of it, but I'm so curious already! Also why does he think she's the one to create this synthetic anti-venom? Is she a scientist? I'd love to see a repost of this when you're done!Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06709678911670489177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-16508891557591661562015-10-19T13:56:05.915-05:002015-10-19T13:56:05.915-05:00Great ideas, Laura. Let me see if I can fix it an...Great ideas, Laura. Let me see if I can fix it and re-post it here. Kristen Howehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00972196730044496053noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5493563706104206595.post-84931302918768950822015-10-19T13:53:31.288-05:002015-10-19T13:53:31.288-05:00Hi Kristen, this premise sounds great. "My&qu...Hi Kristen, this premise sounds great. "My" and "you'll" tripped me up though. I think it should be "his" and "she'll" since you don't use quotes. One question - if he left her for dead, how did he know to track her down? You probably don't have room to explain it, but you might be able to reword to remove the uncertainty. Best of luck!Laura Rueckerthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12267281174937559086noreply@blogger.com