Saturday, May 28, 2011

Made Of Awesome Contest 250 Words

Shelley Watters Made Of Awesome Contest starts today. Below you will find my 250 words. Please read & feel free to comment/critique. Good luck to all who are participating!

Title: Sanctuary
Genre: Paranormal Romance

The sun felt like a warm embrace as it hit Laina’s skin. It had been so long since she was free to move around in the sunlight. The wind felt like icy fingers brushing against her face as she took a few more steps into the bodied realm. After being locked away from this world for so long, she had almost forgotten what it even was. When its refreshing memory came back to her finally, Laina sank into it with a grateful smile.

“One day Laina.” Rain was glaring at her from where he was standing, leaning against Sanctuary‘s wall.

Laina just smiled. She wasn’t always afraid of Rain. Lately though, her feelings towards him had changed along with his actions.

“I mean it Laina. Lotus only gave you one day to do whatever you want. If you’re not back by-”

“This time tomorrow. I know. I know. Now may I go, Rain?” She started braiding her long chocolate tresses as she waited for him to give her the freedom she was craving. Once she had thought being sixteen forever was the greatest thing ever. After a few centuries though, that feeling had worn off.

Rain ducked his five o’clock shadowed head and mumbled something that Laina couldn’t understand. Before she had a chance to ask him; Rain looked up. “Fine. Just remember.”

As soon as his raspy voice reached her ears, Laina nodded and started running as fast as her legs would carry her. Every step she took brought her one step closer to where she longed to be.

NOTE: I double spaced the paragraphs so that they would be easier to read. :)


  1. Intriguing first page. Just a couple notes, though nothing bad. First, I was a little jolted in the first paragraph which starts with the warm embrace of the sun and then suddenly the icy fingers of the wind. Not sure which she should be feeling, or if she feels both simultaneously. Maybe wording it differently would help? Also, there need to be commas before a name is addressed. "One day, Laina." "I mean it, Laina." Etc. Otherwise, sounds like a good start to an interesting story. Good luck!

  2. Hi, Jamie! I agree with Dorothy's comments--all of them. :-) I would also tweak this sentence a bit: "Lately though, her feelings towards him had changed along with his actions." I think it's the "along with his actions" part that feels awkward.

    This sounds like an intriguing premise. I'd keep reading! :-)

  3. This is a fascinating story idea. I think your second sentence would make a better first sentence. It's hookier and it's what grabbed my attention. I immediately asked, "why hasn't she been free to walk in the sun?"

    I'm also curious to find out how Rain has changed and how that is affecting their relationship. And where is it she longs to be?

    Great job and thanks for sharing.

  4. I liked it. A good opening. It definitely sets up the story well. This is so nit picky feel free to just ignore it but the sentence about being 16 forever...if you could end it in a different way without using the word ever I think it would be better. Too many evers. But other than that I thought it was a good balance of information and mystery.

  5. I enjoyed this and read it over and over, craving more. You've done a great job setting the mood and I think naming a character Rain is fantastic.

    I was hooked by the page, more than the opening paragraph. I liked the contrast of the wind and the sun as she arrived, and I almost felt it. There's promise there. I loved that she sank into the memory with a grateful smile. Fabulous image.

    Great job.

  6. i really like where this is headed and have little to critique except the phrase, "Rain ducked his five o’clock shadowed head" seems awkward and doesn't flow with the rest...great start! I hope she makes the most of her free day!

    douglas esper

  7. I completely want to know what she does with her day!

    My thoughts were already mentioned by both Douglas and Charity. Good luck with the contest!

  8. I really, really want to read the rest of this!

  9. Yay for paranormal romance. Good job! I agree with the first commenter, otherwise it's nice :)

  10. Interesting opening scene.

    My thoughts:
    There's a bit of redundancy in the first paragraph -- "felt like" used twice, and the two sentences seem to contradict each other.

    There are a few punctuation things to clean up, and you could streamline by cutting out a few usages of the word "was."

    Best of luck!

  11. I have just one more thing to add to polish it further. You use a lot "ing" words. For variety you might want to reword a few of our sentences. Of course, this is jus a suggestion.

  12. I have nothing to critique that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to let you know that if I picked this up in a shop I would keep reading. It sounds very interesting.

  13. all of the 'was' and 'felt' distanced me from your mc and made the writing fall a bit flat. there's a little hint about something bigger happening, but not enough for me to think this isn't more than just some random scene in someone's life.

  14. Hi, Jamie,

    I think this is good and with a little more careful word choice, you could make it extraordinary.

    Careful on the use of passive action sentences like this: "Laina nodded and started running..." Is there a way you could make this more exciting? How'd she nod, quickly like she knew or with reluctance? Did she sprint away? When she dashed away like this, did the wind it created jostle stuff around her?

    Thanks for sharing. Good luck!

  15. I like this, great start. After reading the comments I feel like you can polish with some of the suggestions and you will have a great 250. Good Luck

  16. That was amazing!! I want more!! Beautiful new page by the way ;)