Friday, February 24, 2012

Critique Me! Entry for March Agent Pitch contest


Yesterday's and tomorrow's posts all wrapped up in today's post.

If your a long time follower of this blog, you know that I'm addicted to contests. I can't not enter them. Well, I passed a few up this year and my body just freaked out. They were some pretty great ones too, so believe me when I say that it killed me to just tweet my support and not click the add me to the list button. Why didn't I enter? Well, my hubby wanted me to take a break. Rest and take joy in what I was doing instead of freaking out about something that I couldn't control. So I sat back and let them go.

Now the amazing angels known as Brenda DrakeShelley Watters, and C.A. Marshall have decided to do a March agent pitch match contest. Of course I couldn't just sit back anymore when I saw this beauty come across my screen. So here I am, working like a dog to make my ms shine brighter than before and also working on a pitch.

On March 1st the rules will be posted, so I'm just going by the guidelines of their amazing pitch workshop. Below you will find what I hope is a winning 35 word pitch along with the first 150-ish words of my ms. (I didn't stop in the middle of a sentence.)

So, now I ask for you to critique away. Tell me what you like and what you think is missing. Take off the kid gloves. I can take it. FYI: I'm formatting it like it's a real entry.

Name: Jamie Corrigan
Title: The Demon Chronicles: Prophecy
Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 61,000

Pitch: Taisie thought demons were fallen angels until she discovered she wasn't just a klutzy human, but a powerful reincarnation who completes a forgotten prophecy that will destroy her nightmarish stalker and save her mother's soul.

Pitch take four: When a prophecy makes Taisie the target of a nightmarish stalker named Spark, she must embrace her new power of killing immortals to save her mother's soul or lose herself to Spark forever.

Pitch take three: When a prophecy makes Taisie the target of a nightmarish stalker, she must embrace her new powers of killing anyone immortal and destroy him to save her mother's soul or lose herself to him forever.

Pitch take two: When Taisie discovers she's not just a klutzy human, but a powerful reincarnation with the power to kill anyone immortal, she must destroy her nightmarish stalker or lose her mother's soul and herself forever.

Below is the new First 150 along with the old one. You can critique both if you like.

New first 150:

Taisie Monahan pressed herself against a brick wall, trying to catch a break from the sea of Forever 21 and American Eagle drenched students flowing through the floodgates of Saint Isabel High. Last night's nightmare was still fresh on her mind as she gave her ponytail a nervous tug, pulling her hair tighter. Taking a breath, Taisie swore she could smell the metallic stench floating from his dead body, making her stomach lurch.

A raven glided across the silver clouds, pulling her from her torture as her blue eyes flicked up to watch it. Goosebumps sprouted on her arm, forcing her to tear her gaze away. Taisie knew her stalker was there. She searched the crowd frantically looking for him. She may have never seen his face before, but that creepy-spider-crawling-up-her-back feeling was something that belonged only to him.

“Get a grip. People are staring,” she whispered to herself.



First 150 words: 

Taisie Monahan pressed herself against a brick wall, trying to catch a break from the sea of Forever 21 and American Eagle drenched students flowing through the floodgates of Saint Isabel High. Last night's nightmare was still fresh on her mind as she gave her ponytail a nervous tug. Taking a breath, Taisie swore she could smell the metallic stench flowing from his dead body, making her stomach lurch.

Hoping to get her mind off it, her blue eyes flicked up to the depressing morning sky and settled on a raven gliding across the silver clouds. Goosebumps sprouted on her arm, forcing her to tear her gaze away. Searching the crowd frantically for her stalker, Taisie knew he was here. She may have never seen his face before, but that creepy spider crawling up her back feeling was something that belonged only to him.

“Get a grip. People are staring,” she whispered to herself.


Let me have it! Critique away!
Until next time, happy reading/writing everyone!

8 comments:

  1. First of all. This sounds awesome!!

    I would reverse your pitch, start with the last sentence first. It's more powerful. Wait, it's all one sentence O.o. Okay I would break it up into two sentences, then reverse it. In fact, I would make it 3 sentences, break it up a little.

    It's intriguing and sounds like a great story!

    I really like your 150 words, you raise some interesting questions. She has a stalker? Why? And why does she smell a dead body so long after her dream?

    Good stuff!! Good luck <3

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  2. The pitch: I think the pitch isn't focused. You need to narrow in on the main plot. Try using this formula: When X happens, main character must y or z will happen. A 35-word pitch is usually one sentence. It flows and entices better that way. You don't want to try to fit everything in this type of pitch, just enough to entice an agent.

    The excerpt: In the first paragraph you use 'flowing' twice, I'd change one. Also, is she tugging her ponytail or tightening it? How is looking at the depressing morning sky going to take her mind off her freaky dream? I'd cut most of that sentence and start it with...

    A raven glided...

    Tense slip: "Taise new he was here" should be "Taise new he was there"

    Rework this sentence: "Searching the crowd frantically..." to something like this --> Taisie knew her stalker was there. She searched the crowd frantically looking for him. She'd never seen him before, but that creepy-spider-crawling-up-her-back feeling was something that belonged only to him.

    I hope this helps! <3

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  3. Oh, I meant 'knew' not 'new'. Whoops! :D

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  4. I am really taken with your first 150 words! That is some awesome writing! The pitch: I'm lukewarm on that one. I think it's too vague for me. Granted, you have limited word count. But so many whys keep popping up for me. Why does she have a stalker? Why will her mother's soul be lost. Why will she be lost forever? I know it's impossible to answer all of these in a quick pitch, but maybe up the suspense a bit. I think then I'd be more invested in the pitch. Good luck, Jamie!!!

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  5. I do like this pitch better. But I would tighten it a bit. I reworked it, just my 2 cents.

    When a prophecy makes Taisie the target of an evil stalker, Joe Blow [can you name him?], she must embrace her new power of killing immortals to save her mother's soul or lose herself to Joe Blow forever.

    See what I'm getting at? You use the word, him, in your pitch but it's after you're talking about her powers. It's confusing, I think. Name him, it may help.

    Hope that helps ;o)

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  6. Jamie, I like the newest one so much better. The prophecy adds an air of suspense that wasn't present before :-) I agree with Erica about adding the name. It does punch it up even more and makes the stakes even more personal. Nice job!!!

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  7. Hi Jamie!

    I like Pitch #4 where you name the character. Love the new 150 words!

    "A raven glided across the silver clouds, pulling her from her torture as her blue eyes flicked up to watch it."

    "A raven glided across the silver clouds, sweeping her tortured thoughts aside, her blue eyes captured by it's ____." (why is she watching it, why were her eyes drawn to it? beauty, strangeness, ominous nature?)

    "Goosebumps sprouted on her arm, forcing her to tear her gaze away. Taisie knew her stalker was there."

    "Goosebumps sprouted on her arms, her gaze forced away. He was there, her stalker."

    In first sentence, you repeat the pronoun 'her' three times, close together. I'd try to make it a more powerful statement since you only get 150 words to sell yourself. In the second sentence, I'd say less is more. These are just my ramblings... little that I know. It's really good!!

    I have to say, it is an excellent beginning, I'd buy!

    Dottie :)

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  8. From what I saw when I crit'd it and where it is now, I'm so proud of you. It rocks. Great job and keep it going cuz its a great story. :D PS: Sorry it took me so long to look at this.

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