Pitch: YA Paranormal Romance where after learning not everyone is human, not even her, Taisie must embrace her soul’s past & powers along with her new friends to stop an evil force’s apocalyptic plans.
Name: The Demon Chronicles: The Black Light Of Purity
Genre: YA Paranormal Romance
First 250 Words: I actually posted 268 because I didn't want to stop mid sentence.
The Darkest Of Days
The Darkest Of Days
Her entire life, Taisie Monahan knew the hollow feeling of loss. Even though she had never experienced it until now, she always carried it in her heart. As her father sped the black Lincoln Town Car toward home after the funeral, her mother’s words echoed in her head as she watched the rain slide down the car’s windowpane and make little liquid trails down its length.
“Your heart is just aching for you to find that great love you left behind, dear. Don‘t worry. He‘s closer than you think”
As she climbed out of the car, the rain felt like icy daggers being driven into her fair skin. I don’t want to move! I don’t need to remember her. She’s here! It’s not like it’ll bring her back anyway. She’s dead. Her hometown isn’t going to change that fact. Why can’t he get that? She thought to herself as her blue eyes flicked up at the ever-graying evening sky and watched a lone raven glide across the silver clouds. Standing there in the winter’s storm, Taisie could swear that someone, or something, was watching her every move. The bitter wind stung her face as she glanced around in hopes of catching a glimpse of her admirer. It’s just your imagination, Tais. Get a hold of yourself.
“Taisie…go up to your room and start packing,” her dad said as he tried to hold back the tears that he had been welling up all day.
She tugged at the bottom of her black cotton dress as she turned around swiftly, making her brown hair fly wildly into the unforgiving weather.
I hope you enjoyed it & thank you in advanced for your suggestions & critiques.
Your logline is intriguing. :)
ReplyDeleteIt could be a bit more specific though. Maybe a hint of what is in "her soul's past" or what kind of power she has. You can drop "YA Paranormal Romance where" to give yourself a bit more room for details.
I entered this contest too. This is my entry.
Love the idea of this but I was confused from the get-go.
ReplyDeleteIt took me three reads to realize the first piece of dialogue was something her mother told her. I think mostly because of the sentence structure.
I almost think you should delete the first paragraph--it's mostly telling, not showing--and begin with her getting out of the car. And weave in the backstory as you go.
For example:
As she climbed out of the car, the rain felt like icy daggers being driven into her fair skin.
BUT CHANGE IT TO include some backstory:
Taisie climbed out of the towncar, the rain like icy daggers on her skin. She cast a look at her father who looked as weatherbeaten as she felt. But, it wasn't the rain but the incredible sadness of losing a loved one that threatened to engulf them.
Why couldn't he see that leaving wasn't the answer? Mom was here. In this house. Not back in her hometown. A place Taisie hadn't even spent time with her.
OKAY--Sorry. I got a little carried away. Hopefully you can see where I'm going with this.
Nitpicky stuff: fair skin. We don't ever think the rain pierced my fair skin, so it shouldn't be done in third person either. Find another place to put in character description--when it feels organic.
And "thought to myself" takes the reader out of the head. You don't need it. If you are consistantly in the head of the character, trust your reader to be as well.
I see lot's of potential and like the intriguing concept.
Very interesting start. For the log-line, I would tighten it up a bit (and take out the genre, since that's something separate).
ReplyDelete"After learning she isn't human, Taisie must embrace her soul’s past & powers to stop an evil force’s apocalyptic plans."
That intrigues me, because it makes me think she's someone important and powerful reborn into her current body, and I love stories about rebirth.
As for the excerpt, I'm a little confused about who has died (her mother? Or this great love the mother talked about?). I'm guessing the mother, and that the "she's here" part is about her mother, not her great love. Did her mother know about her soul's past?
Good luck in the contest!
With 250... 268 words, you got me interested. I want to know what's happened, why it's happening, and what's going to happen. I thought this was great Jamie. 250 words isn't alot to get someone hooked.
ReplyDelete