After taking in all of the critiques; I have revised my first 250 words. I left the ending since everyone has already read it though. Enjoy!
Name: Jamie Corrigan
Title: The Demon Chronicles: The Black Light Of Purity
Genre: YA/Fantasy/Romance
Final draft:
Sixteen year old Taisie sat on the edge of her bed holding the last picture that she and her mother had ever taken together. Slowly her fingers traced the image of the small black rose ring that her mother was wearing. Before she knew it a tear was falling from her blue eyes. Quickly she wiped it away feeling foolish. Suddenly Taisie looked around herself and saw that gone were the four walls of her bedroom and even her sixteen year old self. She now found herself sitting in her family’s back yard holding that same ring. What unnerved her the most though wasn’t that she was holding the ring; it was that she was now the six year old little girl who had found it.
“Mama! Look what I found!” Taisie said as she burst through the front door of her family’s two story red brick home. It was a warm spring day and the most beautiful one of the season. With the lush green leaves and bright sunny colored flowers; it was what Taisie loved the most about her home! Since it was close to summer no one seemed to mind the heat that seemed to Taisie to feel like the kind of heat that you only felt in a sauna. Hurriedly she ran into the kitchen where she saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table.
Taisie loved her mother so much. She knew at that moment that she would always remember her sun kissed skin, green eyes, and shoulder length wavy brown hair. To Taisie, her mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Her mother’s green eyes flicked up from where she had been looking at a magazine and asked, “What did you find dear?” She smiled so sweetly as she held out her hand for her beautiful six year old daughter to hand her the special find she had for her. Taisie squealed as she held out her hand grinning. Her mother’s eyes lit up as she saw in her little girls hand a small silver ring with a small perfect black jeweled rose sitting on top of it. “It’s for you mama!” Taisie squealed again.
For as long as Taisie could remember from that day on her mother always wore the special ring she had given her. She always told her that it brought her good luck. Once when Taisie was twelve and was going on her first group date her mother made her wear it saying, “It’ll bring you luck like it does me.”
1st draft:
“Mama! Look what I found!” Taisie said as she burst through the front door of her family’s two story red brick home. It was a warm spring day and the most beautiful one of the season. Since it was close to summer no one seemed to mind the heat. Taisie ran into the kitchen where she saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table.
Taisie loved her mother so much. She knew she would always remember her sun kissed skin, green eyes, and shoulder length wavy brown hair. To Taisie, her mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Her mother’s green eyes flicked up from where she had been looking at a magazine and asked, “What did you find dear?” She smiled so sweetly as she held out her hand for her beautiful six year old daughter to hand her the special find she had for her. Taisie squealed as she held out her hand grinning. Her mother’s green eyes lit up as she saw in her little girls hand a small silver ring with a small perfect black jeweled rose sitting on top of it. “It’s for you mama!” Taisie squealed again.
For as long as Taisie could remember from that day on her mother always wore the special ring she had given her. She always told her that it brought her good luck. Once when Taisie was twelve and was going on her first group date her mother made her wear it saying, “It’ll bring you luck like it does me.”
Once again a great big thanks to all that help!
OOOW!! What a way to start!! I love it!! Want more!!
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph flowed, but the 2nd could be polished up a bit more:
ReplyDeleteTaisie loved her mother so much. She knew she would always remember her sun kissed skin, green eyes, and shoulder length wavy brown hair. To Taisie, her mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Perhaps:
Taisie loved her mother ~ her sun kissed skin, green eyes, shoulder length wavy brown hair, and her warm smile made her the most beautiful woman in Taisie's world.
If you have a chance, I'm at #130 on the blogfest roster, or at:
http://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/backstage-pass-a-bit-off-track/
Good luck!
Consider changing some of the "was". This almost sounds like a prologue that the real story starts after Taisie wears the ring for the first time. The voice is of a child and your genre is YA so I assume the voice will change in the next bit. I am intrigued and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! I want to read more! =) if that option does become available! =)
ReplyDeleteI like this. It's well written and nicely descriptive. I'm just wondering if this is the right place to start the story. This is YA and we're reading about a six-year-old, in a voice that's very young (fitting for the six-year-old) in such lines like "Taisie loved her mother so much." I'm guessing this is a flashback, but I think you should consider moving a little later in the chapter. Until after we get a chance to know the YA-aged Taisie. Maybe start with her looking at the ring (in the present) if it's important to move the story forward. Then go into the flashback and maybe tell it through her more grown-up voice. Just a thought. I'm very intrigued by this ring and want to find out what happens!
ReplyDeleteAgree with the above comment- Perhaps a little foreshadowing? I know that it's too early to say, but I'm sure the object (the ring) has special significance later on? You're on the right track with the main character though.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous comments about the flow. Also, you mention that the mother has green eyes twice in the same paragraph. I also agree that a bit more foreshadowing would pull us into the story more.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely interested in that ring though!
Good luck!
I'm curious to know what is going to happen ... but I felt like there was a lot of "telling" in these words rather than showing. Show us why she loves her mother so much. Show us the heat of the day.
ReplyDelete:) Good luck with the contest!
They all have a point and I do love the revised edit. But either one you choose to enter will do nicely. I actually enjoy a story that begins with questions and wonder ;)
ReplyDelete