After all of the critiques that I have received & a good nights rest; I have finally written a pitch or two that I'm happy with & love. Thank you all for the helpful hints & comments! :)
So in an earlier post I mentioned that I was entering Shelly Watters' awesome contest. Well...today is the the day to post my 140 character pitch entry! I've worked long & hard to make this be the best that it can be. I've even slaved over my novel just to revise things that make me a little...nervous so IT is worthy of the grand prize.
I made sure that my entry is 140 characters or less by using twitlonger. I found that it was an easy way to make sure that I didn't go over the limit.
Please comment or suggest anything you would like. I'll accept any help that makes this be the best that it can possibly be!
After a few comments; I have rewritten my pitch. You can still find the old ones from before. I have answered/said everything that I can without giving too much away. I hope that you enjoy it! Thanks for all of your comments! :)
Made more revisions & I thank you all for the help! Below is TWO different versions of the pitch. Please tell me which one you like better! Thanks for the help guys!! :)
So now for your reading pleasure...I give you....my entry! (Dramatic enough? LOL!)
Title: The Demon Chronicles: The Black Light Of Purity
Genre: Young Adult/Fantasy/Romance
We have a winner!! With the help of Brenda Drake I was able to write what I believe is a really good pitch!
#1: When Taisie moves to a new town, she finds not everyone is human, not even her. & to survive, she must embrace her soul's powers & past.
#2: When Taisie moves to a new town, she learns that not everyone is human, not even her, & only with her new powers can she stop an apocalypse.
Old pitches round #3:
#1: Not another vampire book. Taisie finds that some people aren't human; not even her. & together with her friends she must stop an evil force.
OR
#2: Taisie moves to a new town after her mom dies & finds that not everyone is human; even her. & with her friends she must stop an evil force.
After a friends helpful suggestions; we have a new pitch to consider! Sorry there's so many!
#3: 16yr old Taisie moves to a new town & finds not everybody's human; even her. & with her friends she must stop an evil foe that's after her.
Old pitches round #2:
#1: After Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, evil is seductive, & she's forced to save the one she loves.
#2: After Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, evil is seductive, & she's forced to save them all.
#3: Taisie moves to a new town & finds that nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force, & that she is the key to save them all.
#4: After Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force, & she must save them all.
#5: After Taisie moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force & she must save the ones that she loves.
#3: Taisie moves to a new town & finds that nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force, & that she is the key to save them all.
#4: After Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force, & she must save them all.
#5: After Taisie moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, she is pursued by an evil force & she must save the ones that she loves.
Old pitches:
#1: Taisie moves to a new town where secrets surround her, evil is seductive, & she is forced to make a choice that affects everyone...even her.
#2: When Taisie's mom dies, she moves to Isabel where nobody is what they seem, evil is seductive & she must make a life or death choice.
To fill everyone in on Taisie. She is a sixteen year old girl in my novel. If that helps anybody with imagining what the sentence is talking about! Thanks once again for the comments & help! :)
Um...where is it?
ReplyDeleteIn your pitch I want to know more about the choice and more about the character of Taisie. Also (English teacher nit-picking, sorry) it should be "affect" not "effect".
ReplyDeleteI like it, but do want more specifics. Intriguing, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the contest too!
I think you've got a well-written pitch, but it is a bit vague in places. If you could talk more about the secrets and consequences were, that would make this fantastic.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you!
Hello, fellow twitter-pitcher! Some thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI already know evil is seductive ;) so tell me more about the secrets and the choice instead. And of course "everyone" includes her, so that's a few more precious characters you can use.
I'd love to know what that choice is about. Also the end '...even her.' seems odd b/c most choices we make affect ourselves, don't they?
ReplyDeleteHmm, my comment didn't get posted. Try again!
ReplyDeleteI'd love to know what that choice is about. Also, the end '...even her.' seems odd to say b/c most of our choices DO affect ourselves.
Thank you all for commenting! It has helped me to make it better! The new pitch is posted in bold & I would love if you all would read it & post your thoughts again! Once again, thank you! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with others - need to know about the life or death choice, that's what'll set the pitch on fire! :) Good job with what you've got - you made a huge leap from the first to the new pitch! congrats!
ReplyDeleteFor anyone who hasn't heard me saying this everywhere else: if you tried to comment earlier and couldn't, problem is solved on my blog! :D
I think switch back to "a town" instead of naming it. I thought it was another person at first. And "life or death choice" isn't really much of a choice? Unless you're suicidal, who would choose death? Maybe try reblending the two you have here? (Here's my stab at it, feel free to ignore it, since I don't know the story :)
ReplyDeleteWhen Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a town where nobody is what they seem, evil is seductive, & only she can save the town from it.
Thanks for participating! I agree with Suzi. Just say town (because I thought Isabel was a person for a second)
ReplyDeleteI'd replace the second town in Suzi's with something else - them all? Everyone? Humanity? I'm not sure.
Great job and good luck with the contest!
Thanks Suzi & Shelley for the advice! I had been going back to that idea a lot; but wasn't sure if it was right. I have made two revisions from your suggestions. I would love it if you would comment on which one you like best from the two or if they both need more work. Thanks again everyone! :)
ReplyDelete& Yay! Thanks Shelley for having this awesome contest! :)
I’m starting with #2, since it doesn’t make sense that you should be forced to save the person you love. If you love them, you do it willingly.
ReplyDelete#2: After Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody's what they seem, evil is seductive, & she's forced to save them all.
The part about the mom dying is entirely backstory and is a waste of precious words. I suggest starting out with:
When Taisie moves to a new town, she finds nobody is what they seem.
From there see if you can use a few more words to elaborate how evil is seductive or why she’s forced to save them. What makes them not worth saving, or why is she the only one who can save them?
I like old pitch #2.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
I like new revision #3. Best of luck!
ReplyDelete@kaleen That is the one I'm leaning toward. Thank you very much for the comment! & good luck in the contest!! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the first one. More dramatic...gripping :) the other 2 seem somehow incomplete.
ReplyDeletenew pitch number 1 is the strongest in my opinion. having to save the one she loves is the most immediate and gripping.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I'm missing from all the pitches is why she's chosen to save everyone. Good luck with the contest.
ReplyDeleteI'm drawn in by the theme. Great job. From what I've read here, I think the town is the focus and what she does creates the drama. Here's an example: Trapped in a town full of deadly secrets and haunting evil, Taisie must (do something) to save the ones she loves.
ReplyDeleteWow that's a lot of pitches! I actually liked where you were going with the original #1. Can you tell us more specifics? What secrets? Are the city folk not human? More details maybe. I think you started out with the best one ;o)
ReplyDeleteI don't want to redirect you again. I know what a pain it is to keep rewriting the pitch. I do like the fact that some of the other pitches contain critical information (the death of the mom), which is now missing from the new pitch.
ReplyDeleteBTW...I'm following you now.
I came late enough to see your final pitch.
ReplyDeleteIt's very intriguing!
I like the declaration that it's not another vampire book, but think that's a lot of characters to "spend" on something your story isn't?
Christi Corbett
@Susan I've written it around 17 times now. LOL! I find that every time that I write it; that I'm saying everything & yet nothing at all. I really like your suggestion about her mom's death & am now trying to fit it back in. Thanks for the comment & follow! :)
ReplyDeleteWow. That pink text is really hard to read against the red background. Alright now to your pitch. I really like new pitch #2. That would be my choice. Hmm if I changed my ands to &s then I could add another word or two... Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI don't think we need to know in the pitch that Taisie's mom is dead. We just need to be enticed and get a sense of the plot. It's a twitter pitch and it doesn't give us enough room to know all the particulars in the plot. So with that said, here's my attempt.
ReplyDeleteWhen Taisie moves to a new town, she finds not everyone is human, not even her, and to survive, she must embrace her not so human side.
I hope this helps some and good luck! :D
16yr old Taisie moves to a new town & finds not everybody's human; even her. & with her friends she must stop an evil foe that's after her.
ReplyDeleteIt's good, but the second phrase is a bit vague. What does the evil foe want to do with her? It sounds intriguing, just be specific about what's going on. Good luck with the contest!
I stick by round 2, #1. Final answer :) Just me, though. Good luck to ya dear!!
ReplyDeleteLove it. It is very interesting and makes me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI think this one with "a new town" instead of the name of the town.
ReplyDelete#2: When Taisie's mom dies, she moves to a new town where nobody is what they seem, evil is seductive & she must make a life or death choice.
You're doing a good job :)
In the final #1 the last part kept throwing me. I don't think you need the & in the last sentence, but start To survive... and the use of powers also caused me to stop.
ReplyDeleteIn final pitch #2 I think the phrasing of the last part can be smoothed. Suggest: ...& with her new powers she must stop an apocalypse.